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watch out for that horseshoe crab! [15 Aug 2008|10:03pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | she and him - why do you let me stay here? ] so i haven't the slightest hope of catching you up, dear deadjournal, on my travails since i've written last -- suffice to say that my transition from oxford was abrupt and tear-soaked, but fortunately, i had no time to wallow, as i was plunged immediately in the manic hilarity of explo '08. i just adore the explo employee demographic! some of the most wonderful people i've met in my life! i don't know what i was thinking last year, waltzing out of southborough with hardly a backwards glance -- i only kept in touch with tim carroll (well, and graham, but i didn't Actually have a choice about that one.) maybe it's a side effect from working in offices, and therefore in a pretty close-knit team of adults, but i'm leaving with, like, ten more penpals to my name, and every intention of visiting carleton, philadelphia, and san francisco...plus oxford, as my yalie friend greg will be at st. cat's, huzzah! it's really lovely, especially as many explovians live conveniently close by -- last night graham and i had a fantastic family dinner followed by a delightful incarnation of dominoes charmingly called buck buck chicken foot at the home of my co-main office manager jenna (WHO, by the way, is moving to comm ave! suzy, wein, and claire, you should be friends with her!)...and we're planning a 6 to 8 person reunion at trivia night next wednesday...plus that beach day allie holmes has promised me. new friends, huzzah! on the other hand, the distance factor is rather heartbreaking -- i cried when i found out nick malakhow, dean of day students and my immediate supervisor, is not coming back next year. and! do rikka, tim, and sam Really have to go back to carleton? i'm telling you! everyone i meet from carleton college is friends fo' life material. but now i'm home and that's lovely too. sleep, marvelous sleep! watching the forsyte saga with mom and leo. walking abby. baking desserts and reading little women with rachelio. also: reading for MYSELF -- i've finished a pretty outrageous, very-lapsed-catholic, apocalyptic novel of the south called love in the ruins by walker percy. hmmm. other recent highlights: housekeeping by marilynne robinson and in the image by dara horn. the first is very christian rural midwest and the second jewish new york, but they nonetheless remind me of each other, and i love them both. now i'm rereading portrait of the artist as a young man in preparation for my seminar on ulysses and planning a stroll to the library. (any suggestions?) and of course there have been some lovely reunions as well! tanglewood under the stars, watching the hipster couples go by, laughing at jeff tweedy's endearing stage banter, singing Jesus, etc., eating erin's delicious peanut-lime noodles...what a wonderful evening! and we picked out a place in lenox for us all to rent, so fear not, real-world-facers, we can just retire to the berkshires and live on a commune. <3 so i have a couple weeks left and some limited goals -- read some more, hang out some more, start reading for my thesis -- provided i can get the proxy server to work, go for some runs, spend some quiet afternoons in the chapel, have lunch (at long last!) with dan burns, get my hair cut per valerie's instructions, reconcile myself emotionally to the prospect of senior year. alack and alas! life after graduation looms. and worse! life before graduation! dear dear, socializing gets awfully complicated on a 2000 person campus over the course of 4 years. what tangled webs we weave, etc. ok, i'm off, but i love you, faithful remnnant not put off by my long hiatus! post comment

[22 Dec 2007|10:28am] http://socialwelfare.berkeley.edu/ http://www.edb.utexas.edu/ci/ alternately, communications is a nicely ambiguous field of study that would not require me to give up all study of writing. post comment

[21 Dec 2007|04:32pm] http://www.sesp.northwestern.edu/hdsp/ http://www.ssw.umich.edu/programs/doctoral/ http://www.stanford.edu/dept/publicpolicy/masters/MPP_EDUC_DESCR.pdf http://harrisschool.uchicago.edu/Centers/chppp/ or: do i want to be a journalist? or an english professor? all of those programs suggest that i should give up my george eliot thesis and do research with professor engel. do i want to do that? planning my life is hard! and NATurally i have a crush on the most selective one. screw you, northwestern. *shakes fist* post comment

[08 Dec 2007|11:33am] sunday, monday, tuesday -- madrid wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday -- paris sunday, monday -- belgium tuesday -- oxford wednesday -- hoooome! 3 comments|post comment

[26 Nov 2007|08:38pm] achievenerdvana: i have to be a little mean or else my softer side of missing you a whole ton will be exposed! post comment

[26 Nov 2007|06:29pm] oh man. i so totally want to have a baby right now. i'm not usually as sad as i sounded 2 entries ago! don't worry! 5 comments|post comment

[25 Nov 2007|07:36pm] McKeeSays: i am so happy to be talking to you post comment

[23 Nov 2007|12:18pm] [ mood | sad ] i'm sorry i update so little! it's because i'm positively sick to death of myself -- i hardly think about anything but sam, george eliot, and God -- and the latter in sort of a grasping utilitarian way that really has infinitely more to do with myself than with Him. i'm not sure how to stop that. all my free reading is religious these days, but that doesn't seem to help. sam's parents are here. i love them and i love him even better when he's with them. i'm generally really happy when i'm spending time with them and distressed when i'm not, probably because it forces me to remember that i have no particular place in their lives. ...so i'm starting to feel more comfortable socially, but i'm afraid that will translate to complacency, when in actuality i don't have any more kindred spirits here than i did when i started. worst, i don't really find my catholic friends spiritually elevating, except for a lovely american called tina who is going home in a week, tragically enough. i figured out a significant part of the problem: we don't PRAY together at this chaplaincy -- we approach God next to each other and not with each other. i need to be drawn out of myself. i should do some service work, except that the only opportunities i've stumbled across seem to be pretty solitary endeavors, and i need some peers around me. today = work on daniel deronda paper lunch with danielle and hanna at 2 librarizing mass at 6 tapas at 915 in big group to meet james's twin sister hannah, followed by assorted bars tomorrow = schwork christmas cookie baking competition! teammates: emma + james + hannah. competition: everyone else. cathsoc quiz night with phil, james, and hannah. and i get asked out quite a lot, which is simultaneously gratifying and strangely unwelcome. look what a social success i am! there is Absolutely No Reason for me to be this lonely. but i am, and i need you -- i am So excited to come home and see you. i will love you for always. post comment

[19 Nov 2007|01:10pm] i think i want to write a thesis on george eliot's treatment of women! what a hugely huge life decision! i'm so excited! 2 comments|post comment

[05 Nov 2007|09:27am] [ mood | content ] [ music | wilco - you are my face ] i have recently discovered that, a valediction: forbidding mourning notwithstanding, i do not like john donne. thank God i'm only taking a half tutorial and am free to spend most of my time rhapsodizing about george eliot. and/or my dreamy tutor. williams just went decided to replace all its loans with grants. UNbelievable, my school is So wealthy, and also rather awesome -- i'm Really excited. and i'm serious about skype!! don't you know i'm languishing over here without my best fiends?! and STILL you wish to deprive me of hearing your lovely voice?? *shakes you* lately i spend a lot of time railing about our society and how profoundly it sucks in terms of attitudes toward romance, commitment, sex, women, etc. whine whine disempowerment whine. ...i think this song is a Lyrical Masterpiece. 3 comments|post comment

[01 Nov 2007|03:43pm] [ music | m. ward - magic trick ] my dear wormwood, i am delighted to hear that your patient's age and profession make it possible, but by no means certain, that he will be called up for military service. we want him to be in the maximum uncertainty, so that his mind will be filled with contradictory pictures of the future, every one of which arouses hope or fear. there is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human's mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what the do;' our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them. your patient will, of course, have picked up the notion that must submit with patience to the Enemy's will. what the Enemy means by this is primarily that he should accept with patience the tribulation which has actually been dealt out to him - the present anxiety and suspense. it is about this that he is to say 'Thy will be done' and for the daily task of bearing this that the daily bread will be provided. it is your business to see that the patient never thinks of the present fear as his appointed cross, but only of the things he is afraid of. post comment

[30 Oct 2007|08:07pm] [ mood | uncertain ] [ music | matt maher - you know who i am ] i have been learning so much about what it means to be in a relationship with Christ. it's so uncomfortable, but i have caught a glimpse of what a glorious blessing this lesson is. i think my biggest obstacle to holiness is fear of the future. it's so hard living in uncertainty! i don't know whether i will stay here or go home, and i don't know what role sam is to play in my life, and i don't know what i will do when i get out of college -- it's so easy to be distracted from the present moment, the present trial, the present grace, obsessing about hypothetical futures. also, i have chronic failures of imagination when trying to picture circumstances that will make me happy. i just read the screwtape letters by c.s. lewis -- they are so excellent! how did i miss them? you should read them, it'll take an hour, or less, i swear. 1 comment|post comment

[29 Oct 2007|08:22am] [ mood | sad ] [ music | fiona apple ] The early cars Already are Drawing deep breaths past my door And last night's phrases Sick with lack of basis Are still writhing on my floor And it doesn't seem fair That your wicked words should work In holding me down No, it doesn't seem right To take information Given at close range For the gag And the bind And the ammunition round Conversation once colored by esteem Became dialogue as a diagram of a play for blood Took a vacation, my palate got clean Now I could taste your agenda While you're spitting your cud And it doesn't make sense I should fall for the kingcraft of a meritless crown No, it doesn't seem right To take information Given at close range For the gag And the bind And the ammunition round This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I can't stop falling out I miss that stupid ache What is this posture I have to stare at That's what he said when I'm sittin' up straight Change the name of the game 'cause he lost And he knew he was wrong but he knew it too late But I'm not being fair 'Cause I chose to listen to that filthy mouth But I'd like to choose right Take all the things that I've said that he stole Put 'em in a sack Swing 'em over my shoulder Turn on my heels Step out of this sight Try to live in a lovelier light This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact I cant stop falling out This is not about love 'Cause I am not in love In fact i cant stop falling out I miss that stupid ache post comment

[23 Oct 2007|08:24pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | neko case - fox confessor ] remember the beginning of about a boy? when hugh grant is talking about how surprisingly difficult it is to survive without a job? and he manages by dividing the day into half hour units and scheduling his trivial tasks so that his life doesn't seem so directionless? rather how i feel. the life of an oxford student is relatively lonely, esp one who does not live in college. i'm sure it's partially my fault for not being more proactive. maybe i should be going to the nightclub for imsoc night, even though sam has to read greek and i'd be going alone. or: if i am in fact staying in, i should be analyzing the holy sonnets, or working on next week's george eliot paper. or even watching a movie with housemates -- really anything but sitting alone in my room with my laptop. dearest darlings! i miss you so. 1 comment|post comment

we didn't make intellectual eye contact, let alone intellectual love [18 Oct 2007|04:28pm] [ mood | worried ] [ music | aimee mann - pavlov's bell ] i am having nightmares about going back to work at explo. i don't know if i can do it, but i will need a substantial income when i get back to the states, and doing a job search from here sounds like horror. fresh fruits and vegetables are so expensive! sad. 2 comments|post comment

do not collect two hundred quid [16 Oct 2007|08:58pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | the national - murder me, rachael ] did you know that the bodleian library has every book published in england EVER? they're all in underground stacks that extend below the streets and into some nearby salt mines (true fact!), so that you have to call them up a few hours in advance. there are five or six bodleian buildings, the best of which is the radcliffe camera -- a beauteous circular classical structure, so gorgeous lit up from the inside when its dark outside. it has amazing seats in the recessed windows, and english and theology on the same floor. swoon. i had another super awesomely successful tutorial meeting for george eliot. my tutor and i have fantastic "intellectual chemistry" as dear jeff kaplan would say. i want to talk to him about george eliot books all day every day. i am (pretending to be) writing my first john donne paper now -- its due tomorrow at 5:45. the downside to the tutorial system: i am sick of writing papers already. HAPPILY, next week i will only have one due, and its on two short works, which means i'll be light-hearted and fancy-free, huzzah! maybe i should take a weekend jaunt to madrid to see tim carroll, but probably not, because i don't speak spanish, sigh. tonight i made sam dinner and he made me dessert. it's a good system. but i miss my family! sad! 1 comment|post comment

geriatrics [15 Oct 2007|05:54pm] [ mood | content ] last night a bunch of us got together for a big sunday dinner -- chicken and twice baked potato and homemade foccaccia and waldorf salad. it was amaazzzing, and we're making it a tradition. i looove homemade meals! (the people are ok, too, i guess. ;)) emma and rachel and i have also fixed upon a lovely saturday tradition: study at the bodleian until it closes at 4, then have cream tea (tea + scones + jam + clotted cream) on high street. hurray! i think maybe they can be real live friends of mine! sam has taken up the ukelele. he plays woke up new by the mountain goats incessantly -- and sometimes no woman no cry. i think he should work on his repertoire. on the downside: today my wallet was stolen. from inside the catholic chaplaincy while i was in the chapel. LAME. to do! now until wed at 5:45 -- develop and write john donne paper on theological imagery in amorous songs and sonnets tues at 11 -- defend mill on the floss paper to dreamy grad student tutor wed at 12 -- attend lecture on augustine at Christ church lunch with betsy's friend bella of new college at the vaults and gardens ...5:45 -- defend john donne paper (scary) ...8:30 -- tom garton ashe, political journalist, speaks at exeter thurs at 11 -- psych of religion lecture ...12 -- modern catholicism lecture ...4 -- thomas aquinas lecture ...8 -- indie music society meeting ET CETERA. (hey dad, should i go see the buzzcocks or are they lame now?) 3 comments|post comment

so then i showed up at his monastery and demanded to see him [09 Oct 2007|08:38am] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | rufus wainwright - waiting for a dream ] my official title at the ephraim williams house is keeper of the coffee pot. it's actually an ultra sweet job (although eerily reminiscent of panera) -- i keep the kitchen stocked with coffee and tea and honey and cookies (except those crazy brits insist on calling them biscuits), and get reimbursed, and then paid sixteen quid a week for my troubles. oh, and i make coffee in the mornings, but that's really a lovely way to wake up, it turns out. this week there are eight billion social events to entice us wide-eyed first years to join various clubs...have been promised wine at the newman society tonight and a bucket of gin and tonic at the indie music society tomorrow; amusing. every night feels like a weekend. sam and i talked about the bible a lot last night -- he knows some things! i am envious of how well my jewish friends know the old testament, it's really impressive. i like to hear them talk about it. i'm quite nervous for my tutorial at 11! 4 comments|post comment

chic-hunters [08 Oct 2007|03:43pm] oh man! i just mailed my first essay! tomorrow i defend it! the horror! on the other hand, i have an evening of guiltless slackery ahead of me, huzzah! 1 comment|post comment

the uk version of me [06 Oct 2007|01:27pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | the smiths ] in england, i: 1) am marginally athletic!! i ride my bike into town everyday. i'm going out for football [soccer] and yesterday i went for a run, it's quite the scandal. 2) get plied with alcohol by the rector of the college, and the williams directors, and my suddenly-legal peers. 3) am confusingly both a fresher and a finalist (undergrads' third & final year) 4) use the words "rather," "quite," "dodgy," and "cheers" with alarming frequency. 5) eat chocolate that is superior to its american alternatives -- cadbury dairy milk and flake bars, huzzah! 6) pay astounding amounts of money for groceries, bus tickets, and international stamps. 7) do not have a functioning laptop. 8) go out more often, and make more ambitious plans -- plays, debates, concerts, free flights to ireland, etc. 9) am skinnier, more glamorous, more miserable, and more melodramatic than i've ever been. tonight is the first exeter bop [party], fancy-dress [costume], theme = decades. come with me? we can dress up as flappers and i will introduce you to some floppy haired british boys who like dance music. 1 comment|post comment

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